653 days.

*Warning this story includes trigger warnings. Please read with caution*

730 days. Two years. And I failed. From the very last time to now, I made it 653 days without taking anything sharp across my skin.

The above sentences have been sitting on my computer screen for three days now, just pushing deeper inside my thoughts. I'm not sure what is going to come of this post and it may never even see the light of day but if you're reading this then something must have pushed me to put it out there. Make it known to the world and never be able to take it back.

If this does make it out there well then you're probably one of the first to know about this. I waited two days after I did anything to tell someone and only then did three people in the world know. Myself and two of my closest friends. You might be my best friend or parent reading this and think "Why the hell did she not tell me," and I don't have an answer for that. I don't think I ever will. Why I only told those two people, or anyone at all, shocked even me. It still does. I willingly let two people see a vulnerable and scary side of myself that I don't even want to see. I let them know of my failures and see my shame.

I want to be as detailed as I have in the past when it comes to what I struggle through but this time.. I don't think I can be. The whole point of this blog, my platform, was to be raw, open and honest. To help those that struggle just like me or give insight to those who are puzzled by the effects of mental health. My hope is that just reading this in general helps. Helps you to see the real and silent struggle. Or helps you to see that you are not alone and being strong and brave all the time is draining and exhausting. That even when the door is closed and it's just you, you still have the mask of happiness and togetherness on and you realize how hard it is to take off and feel what you are really feeling.

Anger. Sadness. Shame. Disappointment. Unworthy. Unloved. Alone. Unappreciated.

Those are all things, plus more, that I feel in a single given day. And yet, the world doesn't see it. The world sees the happiness, laughter and joy that I want it to see. Very rarely does someone actually see the toll of the emotions I actually feel come out. Anytime any of those emotions come out, I pull myself together and suck them right back in. And maybe that is why I am in a constant state of numbness. I don't allow myself to feel these emotions because then I don't have to acknowledge them. And if I don't have to acknowledge them, then I don't have to talk about them.

Two people know that I failed and one I'm sure has seen the fresh wounds on my skin and I still can't be 100% open with them. No judgement is promised to me and yet I still feel like the tiny glimpse they get into my thoughts and feelings will make them run for the hills and never talk to me again because who wants to be friends with that person. The person that has all this extra heavy baggage and dark rooms in their mind. I could sit and tell them the "soft" reasons why I'm not okay such as the stress of work but it goes much deeper than that. The bitter hatred I have for myself that stems from something I can't control. The lies I tell myself and believe because I have never been shown or exposed to anything to prove them wrong.

The realization I had is that I honestly am not alone because I have a great support system and great friends but I still feel like I am because I don't want to bother them with my problems or make it about me. Here's the thing about friendships though, they are a relationship therefore they are naturally not easy and having me as a friend is not easy. And maybe this is why I legitimately only have a handful of friends that I constantly reach out to or are constantly reaching out to me. Everyone else is just an acquaintance that really only reach out when they read things like this and think to themselves how bad they feel that they haven't reached out to check in, catch up or see how I'm doing. My real friends know who they are and I know who they are and I think that is why its so hard for me to be bluntly open with them. They are the people that are the always constant in my life but also the people I am the most scared to lose. Suffering in silence seems a lot better to me than suffering with friends. What makes me and my problems more significant than the problems they are facing? Why reach out?

One friend deals with his own mental health struggles, just got into a new relationship and works a schedule opposite of my own. Sometimes I don't reach out in general because he has the people he needs in his life. He has his best friend and a new girlfriend and sometimes I don't see myself fitting into that dynamic. And sometimes the hardships of how opposite our lives are now affect us and how we choose to continue our friendship. Now, I just feel convenient.. always there to answer when his name pops up on my screen but never able to get a full conversation of my own out. I'm the one grasping the short end of the stick and yet while that frustrates me beyond belief...it's what I feel I deserve.

Another friend is finishing up his last semester of college and is chasing after his own dreams. Dreams that will take him away from his life that is rooted 20 minutes away and away from me and that is selfish. Truth is I have been preparing for it all along and have built up my tolerance so when it happens it hurts less but that's unfair of me to take away his feelings and his thoughts on the situation. So instead, I avoid. Our relationship dynamic is not the typical friendship I have with my other friends and we both notice and acknowledge it. But it also scares the absolute hell out of me for so many reasons. But that is a whole other thing and a lot of it is in my own head because regardless of the feelings that I have or he has, I still question if he actually likes me. Even though he shows me differently, I still wonder why. Just like I do with everyone. He has his own worries and stress with school, has other friends and is preparing for the next chapter in his life. How does what I am dealing with trump his school and own life? And I know and avoid the major topic of what will happen when those dreams come true.

My bestfriend who is out on her own and has her own work related stresses and a shitty boss. She is my person and yet I still can't face her to tell her what I've done or what I struggle through. I don't want to see the look on her face or hear the sadness in her voice. I am not more important than her own struggles.

Or, my newest and fast friend that I made at work. Her and her boyfriend just bought a house and she has her own struggles with feeling unappreciated with different aspects of her life. Putting everything out on the table about me in a relatively new friendship seems odd and I'm not sure how much exposure to something so raw like that she has ever had.

I haven't 100% processed the feelings and thoughts that I have or even anything I have written in this so far. It probably doesn't make sense but welcome to an up close look of my brain.

I don't condone self harm but I also understand it. The last time I was at this place in my life, I was planning my suicide. And I don't want to be there again. For me, self harm hasn't just been cutting, it's pinching myself so hard that I leave marks in my skin. Digging my nails so deep into my palms that they hurt. Or giving myself bruises from hitting my legs too hard. Cutting myself, in a fucked up way, helps me cope and process my feelings. It also helps distract me from them. I also think I do it to somewhat punish myself for the feelings I have but on the other hand, I feel something that I'm not used to feeling. I hate feeling. But in another fucked up way, I like feeling the pain that comes with actually doing it because I feel something. For a few moments, it provides help.

What would you say to me if I was telling you this in person? Would you be angry and yell at me and tell me I'm a failure or a disappointment? Tell me that what I'm going through isn't bad enough to be self harming. Tell me to go see my therapist? Tell me how I'm doing it for attention? Or would you comfort me and tell me everything is going to be okay even though you know that it's going to be hard. Would you let me cry my tears of embarrassment and shame on your shoulder? Would you still accept me?

I know none of this defines me. My healing wounds and scars don't define me. My next steps do though and as uncertain as I am in this very moment about what that is, I know it will be okay. Eventually, it will all be okay. I've came from a deeper and darker spot than I'm in now and I know how to overcome these major step backs.

I try to be this raw honest person that is open so others can see what it's like or relate too. I'm not sure any of this will help anyone. This is just an inside look into my thoughts and what I've been dealing with lately. I could go on about how self harming is only going to make things worse but in reality, a lot of people that suffer from depression and anxiety self harm and know the limits of it. I'm not condoning it but again, I understand it and I guess if you take anything away from this is that I am here fighting next to you and with you. I have walked, and currently am walking, down the same path you are or have. You have made it this far. I have made it this far. I know something about having to be strong but you can't always be the strongest person in the room and this journey is not one that can be done alone. For me, it's going to be a lot of fighting the demons that tell me I'm not good enough or that tell me my friends and family don't care. It's trusting in myself to be 100% open and let those closest to me in. I tend to shut down and shut out, build walls so high that I can't see past them and I can't let myself do that no matter how bad I want too. I've always struggled with that and it's one of my biggest flaws. But in those moments of recognizing my flaws, I also see the resilience I have toward all the punches that are thrown. No matter how bruised my face is or how tired I am, I get back up. Even when I can barely stand.

1.2.2021 Update

It's been almost two months since I wrote all of the above. Reading it back has me feeling proud but I also have tears welling in my eyes. I'm still in that deep hole but I've managed to climb up a little bit and can see the light at the top.

I haven't self harmed in 24 days and that's huge. I think anyone that has been in that place can speak to how big of a step that is. It's like being in AA or something and announcing you're 30 days sober. That is kind of like my drug and I am 24 days sober.

Now, I'm definitely not going to sugar coat anything, I never do, but since I started this blog post, I have been on the worst rollercoaster ride of my life. The ups and downs were constant and I'm starting to see the steady tracks ahead of me. I started going back to my therapist and while that is a new thing, I still haven't told her about my fall of the wagon but I will, when it feels right. Granted, it's out for the world to see and here I am talking about it but I'm not quite ready for that conversation with my therapist. There is a big difference between talking about this with myself (and with whoever is reading this) and talking to my therapist. We analyze and dig deep and go further past the "why" part and break down everything in between. There are 3-4 people I am TERRIFIED to disappoint in my life and those are: my grandma, my parents and my therapist. My therapist means a lot to me and has been the person that has helped from the very beginning and is the person I have to thank for a lot of the progress I have made in the last two years.

One thing my therapist and I did talk about was my medication use or lack there of. I haven't been on either (yes two of them) of my anti-depressants for a few months now. Here's the thing...that choice is an 80/20 thing. It's 80% my fault that I am not on my meds but the 20% falls on my prescription running out and my doctor moving out of state and then the 80% come backs in because I haven't made an effort to find a new doctor. I don't want to go through the process of finding another doctor that is understanding and willing to help find what works and what doesn't. I've tried three different medications with seven dosage changes and that constant up and down process is terrible. They really mean "you'll be worse before you get better" and that shit sucks! So I'm a little hesitant to go through that again but I know its a need even though it's something I don't want to do.

When it comes to my friends and the people that know I broke my self-harm streak, most of the people I mentioned above know and were really supportive. I didn't get the reaction from them that I was scared to get in the sense that they weren't like "Bree what the hell, why?" but instead they were there to listen if I wanted to talk about it and asked questions to better understand my why to help me. I knew that if I was having a bad day or was thinking about self-harming I could text any of them and they would be there without pushing or prying too much. Or if I was having panic attacks, I would text one of them and they would be right over and would sit with me until even well after it had passed to make sure I was okay.

I still have some of the same thoughts that coordinate with each person and when it comes to me being vulnerable with them. Some of those thoughts have been proven to be wrong and I just replace them with different ones, its just how I am engineered to think I guess. To always second guess my worth to someone else or assume I know how they feel or think about me. I've learned that that is a problem in itself because I am taking away their decision on how they think of me, how they see me or how they feel about me.

I'm not 100% happy at all. I don't think anyone is really ever at 100% happiness. But I am happier than I was two months ago and I know there is a lot more growth coming and a lot more to celebrate and be grateful for too. I'm still going to see my therapist, I'm going to work on finding a new doctor to help me level out my meds and get that under control. I'm going to try and be better at being open with my friends and telling them how I feel and what I'm feeling when I do.

Wow. That was a lot and if you made it this far, thank you. I know I just dumped a lot of raw emotions and feelings but like I always say, I do it for a reason. Don't read any of this and feel bad for me because that is not what I want at all. I don't do this for attention. I struggle and love helping those that do too. I hope my mess of a mind and sometimes life, helps you understand more about me, mental illness and the struggles that are faced with it.

To my friends, I'm sorry for constantly putting you through the ringer but thank you for always staying and helping through it all. For seeing my flaws, insecurities and vulnerability and still continuing to stay. I genuinely don't think I would be here, sharing my story, without you.

To my parents, please don't get mad at me or come at me for not telling you any of this in person. I didn't want to put you through it and still don't. It's not something I even want to talk about now or be pressured about or asked about. It has nothing to do with you or with the relationship we have, this is literally all me. Just know that I appreciate the respect of my wishes to not want to talk about it. Maybe one day but not now. I appreciate the support I've gotten and I know my mental health journey can not make sense to you guys but I see the effort in trying to understand. Just know.

To you reading, thank you. Without you I wouldn't have the platform that I do with this. I wouldn't have the courage to do this without the positive responses I get from those that read this. Or the responses that I get from those that have reached out asking how to get help for themselves or telling me that you realized how strong you are and how that strength led you to get help. Its blows my mind that I have that big a support system behind me backing me up always.

Here is to the rest of 2021. A year of more positive growth. A year of being nice to myself. A year of more joy. A year of more kindness. And here's to 24 days with many more to follow.