Hi, it's me again...

Wow...It's been a while since I have been here. When I first started this blog, I had so many ideas and intentions with it and in the midst of all my struggles, I forgot about it. Well, let me rephrase, I chose to forget about it. I wanted to update this once a month with articles and updates on my journey but some part of me wanted to stop talking about it. So I ignored this blog. The longer I didn't want to talk about it, the more I felt compelled to do so. So, here we are and I think we'll start with a life update.

I like the idea of starting these out with an updated picture, so you can visually see how I'm doing..or at least how I'm portraying it on the outside.

The Full Update

So the last full update I did was in July and a lot has happened since then in my life and in my mental health journey.

Last time, I was about three months into my therapy and medication and now I've been in therapy and on medication for 8 months. WOW! It feels so weird that is has only been 8 months because I feel like it's been longer...and I'll get to that.

In my personal life I have been practicing self love, letting go of toxic things/people, trying to find a job and other things.

Letting go of toxic things/people

For me it has been extremely difficult to do this due to being the type of person that I am. I like to give so many chances to people that don't deserve it and it takes a negative toll on me mentally and emotionally. I like to make people happy, I'm a people pleaser and I take a lot of things to heart as well.

A couple of months ago, I said goodbye to a person in my life that was my best friend for about two-ish years. We had so much in common that our mutual friends would say that we were the same person just opposite sexes. I became so comfortable around him so quickly and I loved that. And I think us having so many things in common helped a lot because we always had something to talk about and in my opinion, we never felt awkward around each other. We became so close and talked/hung out all the time and we both started to develop feelings for each other. Now, I'm not going to go on and on about the details of what happened with that or anything like that. This part is just to bring to light why it was so difficult for me, why I did it and how I felt about it.

Anyways, a lot of things happened and a lot of talks were had and I finally decided that I deserved better than what I was getting and giving. Friendships, like relationships, are two way streets and the blame and effort can not just be given by one person, both have to be involved. I think in the end we both decided mutually that what we had was just not working or enough. Saying goodbye to him literally broke my heart. I wish things turned out differently and I still do. He was my best friend and I loved him and that will never change no matter what happened. He taught me a lot about myself and I enjoyed every second we spent together. I took the time to mourn that loss and was sad for a while. I kept him on social media and every time I saw him post something it just made me even more sad. Or I would see a vehicle that looked like his or heard a song that he showed me/ sent me and the same thing. Even today I still get a little emotional hearing those songs. I will always be there for him when he needs someone and that will also never change. My best friend Colin will tell me that I'm dumb for saying that but it's true and I'm also that type of person. No matter how bad someone hurts me, I will always be there for them if they need it.

Where I stand today with that is I've made almost 100% peace with it. Just because something bad happened and we are no longer on speaking terms now doesn't mean that nothing can happen in the future for us. Even if he is reading this, I will always wish nothing but the best for him because he deserves that and so much more. He deserves happiness and joy just like me and everyone else. I have unfollowed him on social media for the time being until I completely heal.

Getting rid of that really helped me realize just how much I pour myself into other people, even when I didn't have anything left to pour. That took a negative toll on me and really helped me see that I can not be there for everyone and that I cannot fix people. I have learned from that and I'm *trying* to put that into my everyday life...but it's been super hard. It's hard to break a bad habit when you're so used to doing it all the time. So that's where I'm at with that...for now.

Trying to find a job

Yikes. This one is still an on-going thing and has been ever since I graduated in May. I have always been so passionate about broadcast journalism and knew that it was what I wanted to do. I feel like I got "burnt out" in doing it for a few years and going to most sporting events as the sideline reporter that when I was looking for those jobs, it didn't feel right. I have a public relations minor and love doing that and marketing so I've been exploring that. I still currently work at the Ashland Golf Club and I run their social media for both the course and the restaurant. I love doing it because I can pretty much do whatever I want meaning I can put myself into my posts. I can put my humor and my personality into my post and it's amazing.

So I've been applying for social media positions and I've had more interviews doing that than I ever have in broadcast. The first interview I had, was amazing! It was for a local job that I wanted. In the end, it didn't work out which was such a bummer but I learned from that. The second interview I had was for a job in Columbus at a marketing firm. I had researched everything I could about it and was so confident. After the first round of interviews, I was picked from a large pool to make it into the second round. I gave my all and really showed them who I was and what I could bring to their company. Again, I didn't get it. It really hit me that I wasn't good enough for these jobs I was applying for. I was hurt and down about it all and felt like a disappointment to myself and to my family. I still feel like that at this very moment but I know that the job I'm supposed to be at will come..eventually. I have been having a hard time trusting in God but it's all in His timing and that is something I have to surrender in.

So for now, the job hunt is still on. I am currently trying to find something local to hold me over and help pay my bills until I find that job. I get into fights/ conversations with my parents about this on an almost daily basis and I know my parents are tired of it and I know I am too. It's not something I want to do because I don't want to be seen as a disappointment or as a failure. I don't want the people I know to see me at this local job and think "wow she had so much potential and she is stuck here.. how disappointing." Failing is a fear of mine and it's something my therapist and I are still working on. I usually don't care about what people think of me but in that instance, I do. It's something that will take a while to work on and it's also something that I just have to accept for now even if I don't want too.

Self love

I have been trying so hard to work on loving myself but that is also a project that will take a while. I hang out with my friends when I can. (Which is a whole other thing..that I will get too.) I do things that make me happy. I went on a weekend trip with my bestie Cait to Boston and had the time of my life. We did so much and explored so much and that is all I want to do in life. I want to enjoy where I am and just be present. My bff Colin reminds me all the time to just be present and that I should enjoy the moment of things and take everything in. Easier said than done, Colin. I am working on that everyday. So I've been taking those trips and exploring more of the world around me.

I have also been doing a lot of self exploration. I got this amazing journal on Amazon (thank goodness for Amazon) that helps me track my sleep, my moods and my mental state of the day. I haven't been so very good at that but when I do keep up with it, it helps me a lot. I highly suggest getting a journal or journaling it really helps.

There isn't a whole lot in this section because I don't have a whole lot to say about where I'm at with self love. It's an on-going process and I still don't understand how to do it or how to get the most out of it. So I'm living day by day practicing self love, living in the moment and being present.

Where I am with my mental health

So here we are, the biggest update of all. Since June I have been on a legit roller coaster ride with my mental health journey. I struggle, I don't and then I struggle again. I put an update on Facebook/Instagram in September about where I was and it was a low point. I was having more bad days than good days and more suicidal thoughts. My mom noticed how much more I was sleeping and my moods and encouraged me to go back to my doctor, so I did. My doctor upped my medication dosage almost double what I was on before and it was oddly an easy adjustment. I felt better. I laughed more. My suicidal thoughts went almost all the way away and I felt like myself for the first time in a long time. And then everything else mentioned above happened and I felt weird. Not weird like I did with my bad days and suicidal thoughts. I was more tired and didn't have any interest in doing things with my friends. I also felt like I had no friends. I have one friend left in Ashland, who is about to graduate and leave me, and everyone else was in Columbus or Cleveland so I felt very alone. Which also didn't help my mental health. My friends did their very best to keep me involved and a part of their lives and I am forever grateful for that.

Every time I go to my doctor, I fill out a sheet that asks questions to see where I am at with my depression and anxiety. The answers to the questions are numbers that correspond to how mild or severe my depression or anxiety is. So, I went back for a check-up the other day and filled out this questionnaire and even though I felt better, the numbers said differently. Along with my numbers being the same, I also had been experiencing wild insomina. I could fall asleep but I couldn't stay asleep. My medication also gave me very crazy and vivid dreams. Dreams that were so vivid, I had a hard time deciphering what was real and what wasn't. So because of that and the numbers, my doctor changed my medication and dosage. I am on day one of a brand new medication with a much higher dosage than what I was on before and we will see how it goes. I am nervous because it is a whole new prescription and the side effects are different than my previous medication and I'm not sure how my body will react. So, I will take it day by day and listen to my body and my thoughts.

What now?

Well I don't really know the answer to that.

The song 'You Say' by Lauren Daigle has been a song I have been listening to on repeat because it speaks to me so much. I fight those voices in my head every day that tell me I am not enough. I feel like every low and high I go through just tells me how much I have let myself and those around me down. Through all that God tells me I am loved, I am strong, I am held and that I am His. I have been practicing complete surrender and laying everything at the feet of God. It takes a lot of pride to swallow and realize that I cannot do everything on my own and that I cannot go through this life without Him. I struggle with my faith on a daily basis but knowing what God says of me is amazing.

So I guess my answer is that I will just give it all to God and keep trucking along. I'm going to keep going to my therapist, take my medication, journal, practice self love and just be in the moment.

I appreciate all the people that have read my posts and commented and those that have reached out to me. Your continued support means the absolute world to me. Please always keep that flowing for not only me but for anyone else you know that is struggling. It's tough to fight this battle everyday but it can be done.

This update is not what I expected it to be because I don't ever have expectations for these so I just write from my heart. I'm not even sure I wrote about everything I wanted too but I know I wrote about everything I needed too.

Until next time.

X,

Bree